Danger Signals for couples engaged

A list of common issues that may indicate problems within a relationship

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DANGERS SIGNALS

If you and your chosen one plan to spend a life together, you might make a worthwhile investment in premarital counseling. When you begin to experience a certain discomfort in the areas that I will describe shortly, think carefully and don't jump into marriage merely because you have been going steady for a while or because you are engaged.

Remember that you are capable of building a satisfactory marriage; many people do. It takes work. Many couples, after the initial romance and the first few months of honeymoon, end up in divorce or caught in a chronically unhappy marriage. Nationally, we have a 50 percent divorce rate. Some people are better off divorced than married. Others, with a realistic approach to marriage or with some professional help, can have a good marriage.

Let's consider the danger signals and, one by one, discuss them in terms of a couple who is contemplating matrimony.

1. You constantly quarrel and your differences of opinion cannot be resolved.


2. You are unable to obtain a fair degree of understanding of each other's personality.


3. You are frequently irritated or impatient with each other, and you resort to breakups.


4. You discover that your chosen one has a problem with alcohol or drugs, and you think marriage will correct the matter.

5. Your chosen one is terribly involved with his or her parents and often runs home to secure parental approval.

6. One of you is lovesick, or both of you are lovesick, and you cannot bear to be apart for a while. Or you make such statements as: "I just can't live without you." "If you don't marry me, I'll kill myself."

If these statements are succeeded by dependent behavior, this relationship will drain you both, and it will gradually die.

7. Your parents (or significant adults in your life, whom you consider as mature people) indicate that you may be making a mistake.

While their words are not part of God's Ten Commandments, perhaps you should pause and think. You are the ultimate authority about you decision, but you are not the absolute authority. As much as you may be in love, think in terms of marriage being a lifetime commitment that implies hard work and responsible action.

8. Something very serious occurs, such as a sudden confession: "I feel very bad, but I must tell you because I love you. Last week, when you and I had a fight, I called this person I used to date two years ago. I was upset. We talked. Then we found ourselves in bed, but I didn't mean to hurt you."

This indeed is a troublesome experience. It can be confronted and worked through by mutual understanding and forgiveness; yet, it might be better to postpone the wedding until the relationship is re-established.

9. "Poverty is the source of all dissension," runs an old proverb.

Statistics indicate that financial problems are a significant factor in the dissolution of at least 40 percent of all marriages. Although money cannot buy happiness and may not seem important when you are "in love," lack of money can cause a great deal of discomfort and stress.

10. You are getting married just to get away from your family's influence and control.

Actually, you are acting out your emotional upheaval. To serve your best marital interest, establish a home away from home. With a sense of independence, you will be able to face marital responsibilities more adequately.

11. You are anxious to get married because all your friends are married and you feel left behind.

Do not act out of such peer pressure. You can still continue to be a friend while you are making a more serious preparation for marriage.

12. You feel that having become sexually involved commits you to marrying each other despite serious problems in your relationship.

Stop and consider the consequences seriously. A good marriage is predicated on maturity and responsibility, not sexual involvement that lacks a marital commitment.

13. Pregnancy compels you to get married.

Visit your priest or a marriage therapist and discuss your problem. Neither pregnancy itself nor the fear of any social stigma that pregnancy might cause is a good reason to jump into married life. Take a profound look into your inner selves and ask the question: "Would we really marry each other if there were no pregnancy?"

14. Both of you are twenty years or under.

Your potential for divorce is four times greater than that of people who are twenty-one years of age and over. Ask yourselves: "What's my hurry to get married now?" You are going to be married some three-fifths of your entire life, so take your time and enjoy your youth.

15. The religious or cultural orientation of each of you differs drastically, and already strong differences of opinion about important matters have caused conflict.

The difficulties will be more pronounced when you are married. Some exploration of the conflicts must be dealt with in the presence of a responsible person-a priest, a marriage therapist, or a knowledgeable individual. "Love cures all," they say; but beware-it may not resolve these types of conflicts, especially if one partner consistently compromises and the other never does. Resentment might eventually build up on both sides. If marriage is a relationship with a fair exchange of mutual give-and-take, you will each benefit immensely should you meet each other at least half way.

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Do Not Panic: These danger signals do not spell disaster. They are points to ponder while you offer your fervent prayers. You are not going to board a jetliner when the defects are known to you. Getting married without considering the odds, means taking a greater risk. You owe each other at least an honest confrontation about any danger